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JL | Lt Shran, Lt Dai'xun | "Pillow Talk" pt 2/2

Posted on 241803.12 @ 15:09 by Lieutenant Anaxar Shran & Lieutenant Si'a Dai'xun
Edited on on 241803.12 @ 19:30

Mission: Lacuna

For the love of crossed stars... No. Not crossed stars. Stars crossed was a bad thing according to the Terrans, but signals... YES! Crossed signals. Her confusion still bit into her, now caught, safe from sliding, drawn back by steady hands that seemed to cling more than hold. And words. His words. A voice in the dark that rendered her panic useless and sent her soul to chastise her for her own stupidity. How quick she'd been to try and run. How quick she'd been to assume the worst when he'd done nothing, really, to give her a reason. The noise she made was more of a frustrated whine as she wriggled and tried to right herself before ultimately giving up and just flopping onto her back. He'd never hurt her. Laying prone was safe as anything. "Do you?" She asked, daring to touch him, her hand raising and bringing with it the the bell like sound of the stars dangling from her arms as a few danced at the end of their tethers while her finger tips barely grazed his shoulder. "I'm afraid of ruining you, Anaxar. I'm afraid that I may keep you from a much better future, that I'm being selfish and juvenile." Her response hurt, but the truth often did, and he deserved to hear it, "I don't want to go back to Apsha, not unless I'm sharing it with you as I want to do, but I don't want to stay and ruin your your life."

Anaxar gaped at her in stunned surprise. "*You* ruining *my* life?" he whispered incredulously. "I didn't even feel I had a future before I met you. Who could possibly want…" he gestured lamely at himself, at his ruined face. Then he buried his face in his hands, pressed his palms against the useless implants. But he kept talking, still in a whisper, the words burning like a confession. They had been buried for so long and now he was yanking them out, one by one. "I was dead before I met you. Less than dead. Moving and breathing like an automaton, even looking at the universe with mechanical eyes. Then you came and your touch brought be to life." He lifted his face again, turned it to her, deliberately, so that she could see him even if he couldn't see her. "But I thought, what future can I possibly give you? I have nothing." Nothing but pain and nightmares. Of those he had too much. "I don't want to hold you back. From your own life, from your own future. I cannot offer you anything. The only thing I had left was given to you back there, in that cell." My heart, my love, my life. "All I want for you is to be happy. And if that happiness requires me to-" his voice broke, but he kept talking, choking the words out, "-to let you go, then I would. Freely. For you matter more to me than-" You gave me life. It's in your hands.

Another feeble struggle to escape her tangled gown, and Si'a relented to it fully. It was a fruitless endeavor that would have to be solved at another time when she actually had time to figure out where she'd gone wrong. Probably put a hole in the under skirts, caught a leg... Stop thinking about it. The dress didn't matter, she could replicate another one if she really wanted it. What she wanted now couldn't be replaced so easily. The Andorian bore his soul to her and all she could think to do was try to get to him, closer, comfort him. When that path and option were stolen from her, she tangled her fingers in the fabric of his costume shirt and hauled him down to her level with surprising ease. From there she was able to hold his cheeks in her hands and hold him solid. "You really are blind," She hummed, stroking her thumbs along his scarred cheeks, "You don't see how beautiful you are. You don't don't see what I see, Anaxar, and that pains me but I promise you that someday you'll understand what you mean to me and what you've given me." A hand lifted only long enough to trace the line of his nose, "I don't want to fix you. I love you as you are, who you are, completely."

Where the hell that clarity and strength had come from, Si'a would never be sure, but the words tumbled and spilled and ignited like starfire, "You are my happiness. To know that through hell and high water you'll be there, you'll come. To know that you expect nothing from me and give yourself so freely... Anaxar... That's... That's everything and I want... I want what we spoke about in that cell. I want all of it. I want everything. I want a life with you. Our life." She stressed, releasing his face only to wrap her arms around his shoulders, holding him to her as she struggled with the shivers gifted by the overwhelming sensation of emotion that surged through her. To lose him would be to take such an intrinsic piece of her little puzzle and dash it to pieces, never to be fixed or replaced. "I love you, Anaxar Shran, for everything you are, for everything you ever have been, and everything you will ever be."

"Don't you see that that alone makes you stand out?" Anaxar had caught one of Si'a's hands as it moved across his face and his scars and let her hand guide his, before relaxing in her embrace. "Everyone looks at me like I'm broken. They either stare or look away. I can't really see expressions, but the way people move, they way they talk, it's all pretty clear. They're repelled, or disgusted, or there is some sick kind of fascination… You see people staring and wondering what terrible thing happened, but nobody asks. I get their pity first, and only then I can try to earn their respect." He sighed, and then smiled. "And then you touched me."

So much for the rule that whatever happened in decom stayed there. At the very least, this was the exception. "There's this fairytale on Earth… My father served on a long range exploration vessel when I was a kid and we came along during a five year mission. I heard the fairytale there. It's about a princess who falls asleep for a hundred years, until a prince comes who kisses her awake. That's what you did with that touch. For the first time since, since, someone touched me who wasn't a nurse or a doctor or another professional, someone who wasn't fascinated or repulsed, but by someone who just saw *me*, as a whole. You. You talked about falling in love, earlier… That's when I began to fall in love and I haven't stopped falling since."

He pulled away, just far enough for her to be able to see his face again. "But I was afraid. All the things I said before, my fear of holding you back, not being able to give you what you need… And later, when I tried to protect you and I couldn't… Even if we'd never seen each other again when we returned, if you had indeed decided that, well," he gestured awkwardly, "Just knowing you were here, alive, that in itself meant everything to me. And then you came to me, and I still feel like it's a dream, and I keep wondering when I'll wake up, and I keep thinking to myself that when I do, if I do, that'd be the most cruel nightmare of all…"

"You are awake." Si'a's head shook as she peered at him through the dusk, "You're more awake than you've ever been since I've known you." She asserted. Her hands were held, tethered by his, but it didn't stop her desire to touch and be as close to him as possible. "No one wanted to trust me. No one could have cared whether I lived or died aside from Starfleet red tape and the political nightmare it would have caused. I'd be dead if it wasn't for you, for the need to wake up and see you, and I watched you grow in that short space of time. I heard it in your voice, felt it in your touch." Again her head shook and she wet her lips while her breath hitched and she did what she could to keep the hotness of tears at bay. Crying wasn't going to solve a damn thing or make them feel better. All crying would do would be smear the kohl and carefully applied makeup and make a nasty mess across her face and his pillow cover. "I knew when you came to the tank. I felt it then, heard it then... Your confidence." Jesus had she ever. She'd been left breathless and dazed, wishing on stars and wondering if and when and how... And then she'd come to that point again, "And when I decided..." Oh how the hell does one put this into words? She fought for them, her fingers coiling over his, "when I decided that you were the only person I wanted, when I decided not to go back to Apsha. I felt it then too." The pause was brief, spent examining his face and expressions, the tell tale movements of his lips and the way his forehead creased when he was thinking, "I'm yours, Anaxar. I gave you myself in whole. Body, heart, soul. All yours. I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to, and even then I may fight your decision to send me away. I've made my peace with the path my life has taken. Can you do that with yours and believe me when I tell you that you're what gives me light?" Keep me, She begged without words, settling back against his bed, surrounded by his warmth, and with a shaky breath it was all she could do to remain still, let him absorb what it was she had to say.

"Yes." The reply was as prompt as it was heartfelt. "Oh, yes." Could he? He already had, he was wholly and willingly committed. He entwined his fingers with hers and pulled her closer, once again turning to face her. "If, at this very moment, a being like Q appeared and offered to give me my eyes back, on the condition that I'd have to let you go forever… I'd tell him to stuff it. I don't want to lose you. Ever." Forever entwined…

Words like that left her breathless and without ability to formulate her own. Just as well. Words like that could never be followed up. What she could, and did, do was bring her mouth to his, sealing her emotions and intentions with a kiss and allowing her body to mold as close to his as possible. To be one breath. One heartbeat. One entity. That was her desire and it mattered not what the cost was. In the end all would be as it should and they'd find their peace. In many ways they already had. Guiding one of his hands between them, she lay his palm over her heart, resorting to old habits to let him know she was there, that she was strong, wasn't going anywhere. In truth, she never felt stronger than she did at that exact moment in time and space knowing that they were both on equal footing and wanted, no... Needed, the same things in order to survive the unrelenting cold manifold of space and life within it. If she could have, she would have flown if he asked her to and she knew that he'd have done the same were the request reversed. Anaxar. Her beautiful, tragic, amazing Anaxar... Her touch stone.

It wasn't long between gentle touches and kisses, finally being freed from the contraption of her gown, that Si'a found the comfort and warmth necessary to sleep. As always he cocooned her with a combination of blankets and the luxury of his body. As always she was distantly aware of the fact he remained awake until he was absolutely certain she was safe and sound in the land of nod; something that both charmed her and set her heart to aching knowing that it added to the extreme beauty of the man she'd chosen to spend the rest of her mortal life with.

It was always one of the most peaceful moments, to remain awake while Si'a fell asleep, and to be awake already when she woke up. Even her presence was not enough to alter his disjointed sleeping pattern, but to be present when someone else, someone dear, someone dearly beloved fell asleep was downright magical. The gentle slowing of the breath, movements which became smaller, then stopped altogether, the total surrender to sleep and dreams in the end… Oh, he would gladly remain awake all night, every night, just for the joy to be with her, to guard her sleep more faithful than any knight of old ever could have, and there had been nights when he did. But this night, he knew, he would join her in sleep and meet her again in his dreams.

But before sleep could claim him, he rested his head against her torso again, and heard and felt more clearly than before that extra sound, that extra rhytm, like a second heart but much smaller, much quicker than the familiar sound of Si'a's own. Drowsily, he wondered: Could it? Could it be-?

That was were coherence ended, and he fell asleep at last.


Lieutenant Anaxar Shran
Chief Science Officer

Lieutenant Si'a Dai'xun
Stellar Cartographer


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