Joint Log | Capt Ivanova, Cmdr Dahe'el - "Even When Music's Gone"

Posted on Fri Oct 24th, 2014 @ 2:11am by Admiral Rochelle Ivanova
Edited on on Wed Jan 4th, 2017 @ 1:39am

3,275 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Are You Touched?

The wee hours of the morning were caustic, grinding and grating against every nerve ending. It felt like sandpaper, rolling and rubbing over the electrified and raw plains of the Captain's skin as she hugged herself and paced back and forth across the broad expanse of her sitting area. The suite seemed so large, so empty... The normal comforts of seclusion that she'd once found so alluring now seemed like a death sentence, closing on her and announcing her inability to cope with what had transpired in the last hour.

Rochelle could feel the ship buzzing. She could feel the general anxiety and irritation that hummed through the ship as part of the aftermath of the attack against her. "Ivanova to Dahe'el..." She pressed her combadge, pausing only long enough to find it on the counter. Her voice was small and quiet as if she were hesitant to wake him should he have finally found sleep.

Rolling over in his bed, Almar reached to his nightstand and picked up the comm badge to hit it once, "What's wrong Rochelle?" the Cardassian replied as he shifted himself to a sitting position and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, slipping them into a pair of slippers.

He hadn't heard.

"I need to see you for a moment." She responded after the next chirp of her badge, miraculously keeping her voice steady and level. A new brand of pain and concern began to rise as Rochelle knew she'd be ruining his night the moment he arrived, that he'd have been best left to waiting until the reports and gossip circulated in the morning. A greater part of her also knew that he'd never accept learning of the incident in that manner. She cut the channel, unwilling to continue speaking and knowing her nerves wouldn't allow for it.

As strong as she was, she'd been rattled by Mikkal.

Almar was already dressed in some loose fitting clothes by the time the reply had finished, he was striding down the corridor and into the turbolift, "On my way," he replied as he turned and held the railing, "Deck Two."

Another minute's walk took him to her door and the chime.

"Enter." Rochelle called, stopping her pacing to look up at the door expectantly. She hadn't shed the ill-fitting sweats or showered yet, not quite ready to bare herself to the world again or relinquish the idiotic sense of safety the massive clothing offered her. Anxiety had dictated that the color had drained from her face and heat from her hands long ago -- the moment she didn't have to play hard ass alongside Vlimar's attempt at chaperon -- and while the wildness of the fight had left her eyes, it had been replaced by something darker, deeper. It was foreboding and simply electric as it crackled and defied the better binds of of her self restraint. She should have killed Mikkal. Could have. And yet she'd held back.

The door gave way and the sight that greeted Almar made his blood run colder than usual. Rochelle looked liked hell and it tore at the strings of his heart, tugged at them and ushered him forward toward her, "Rochelle... what happened to you?!" he asked, his voice gentle and soothing, but laced with concern.

"Mikkal." She answered, her mouth dry and tongue heavy as he quickly approached. Her hands immediately found his body, her shaking fingers braced against his sternum to keep him at arm's length as she fought for some sense of control and proof she was still in charge. Safety was a strange thing, and once the feeling it offered was gone it was next to impossible to retrieve. Almar, however, wasn't the enemy and he wasn't the one who had tried to rob her of her will or control.

He could feel her holding him at arms length and didn't press the issue, his hands came up to hers and cupped them softly, curling around her fingers and holding one part of her close to his heart, "How did he cause this?"

"He attacked me. I went down to the arboretum thinking it was another one of Vlimar's notes. I was..." Rochelle's heart began to race again, the prickle of fear stabbing along the back of her tongue and threatened to close her throat as her words gushed forth before she could catch them. Her head then shook, her eyes closed and a whine broke her lips as her resolve threatened to break. She could already feel the hot sting of tears bolstering within her eyes, if she opened them she'd cry. "I was going to say no again, to tell him to serve the fleet and not worry about me or my future. Mikkal must have figured out he was sending notes and was there in the shadows..." Humiliation was next on the list of emotions that rose up unbidden.

Anger welled up inside the Cardassian's heart as he heard Vilmar mentioned. Even if he didn't mean to, he had given Mikkal an in to attack Rochelle, to attack the very heart of the Vindicator and the center of Almar's world. "Rochelle..." Almar replied as he took a chance and lifted a hand to pull her close to his chest.

For a moment, Rochelle tugged back against him to free herself but the halfhearted attempt to stave off the comfort he offered was short lived and the firebrand found herself pressed against and surrounded by him. "He didn't succeed." Her muffled voice rose against his chest, all but consumed by his flesh and the fabric of his clothing, "He didn't..." She started to repeat, but silenced herself and shook her head, burrowing her nose under a large wrinkle in Almar's shirt.

Holding her close soothed the anger inside him, replaced instead with a burning desire to wrap the small woman up and shield her from the world, the cocoon of his arms cradled her against his chest, "If there is anything you need from me, simply ask."

"Remind me," She began with a sniffle, "why I'm here. I'm beginning to lose sight of it all, Almar." The bigger picture was slowly beginning to fade from view, cut from the limelight she'd once held it in and burnt to cinders. It was becoming harder and harder for the young Captain to cut the carbon and matrix away to reveal the shining diamond she knew to be beneath.

"You're here because you believe in the guiding light that Starfleet aims to be. You're here because this ship needs you and you're here because you want to help us honor his memory," the Cardassian replied softly as he ran a hand through her hair, "Captain Neyes was a good man and we're always striving to honor him."

Honoring Landon. Rochelle's heart clenched at the very thought and stung viciously in memory of his impromptu role in her response to the attack. "I dishonored him tonight, Almar." She replied in careful measure, her lower lip trembling as the first hot tears spilled down her cheeks in anger and emotional pain. "I don't deserve to be here."

"You haven't dishonored anyone Rochelle, you fought with every ounce of strength and never gave up," Almar responded with a tightening of his grip.

Her head shook, but she knew better than to fight or disagree with Almar over something so utterly trivial in the grand scheme of things. There were bigger worries, greater concerns. While she'd fought like a wildcat against her much bigger attacker, she couldn't help but feel like a fool for putting herself in such a position. It could have ended much worse than it did, broken nails, bumps and bruises could be remedied. Tattered uniforms could be replaced. Blood stained skin could be washed. Her eyes closed tightly against the alternative options. "I tried to use him like a get out of jail free card." Rochelle whispered.

Holding Rochelle against his chest, Almar moved the two of them towards the couch and sat down, pulling her to sit in his lap so he could cradle her gently, "Mikkal will be punished for his actions, mark my words, I will see it done, but you need to stop blaming yourself Rochelle, you went there in good faith to end something you knew was affecting the ship, you went there to tell someone to concentrate on their work."

"Does the why really make a difference? I should have put my foot down harder all the other times." Rochelle hissed, her teeth worrying her lower lip. Protesting against him would have done her little good, she was tired, worn thin by the long hours of work and the physical exertion of the fight that had transpired. Adrenaline had long ago spiraled out of her veins, leaving her nothing more than a fragile husk of exhaustion in its wake. She slid into his lap, curled against the Cardassian's chest more like a child than a fierce Starfleet Captain.

This too would pass, but before the calm could come for them the storm would need to blow through. The question now became whether or not she was ready for the hail of inquiries as the investigation proceeded. It wouldn't wait for her to heal, nothing ever did. The next few hours, the ones steadily ticking away until the morning shift rose from their beds, would be all she'd be given. In them she'd need to find and don that same steely resolve she'd met everything else with. The cold and the ice, the snow that had set in her heart since Notura only seemed to laugh now, howling as it wound through her veins and worked to steadily construct that bitter wall that would be her shield, her inner protection against come what may.

Rochelle... Ever changing, ever adapting, was slowly starting to lose her humanity as each event snatched and clawed at her, stealing just another little piece of her warmth.

"The why makes all the difference, the why is what makes us different from other people, the why is what pushes us forward or holds us back," Almar replied as he released his hold on her slightly, moving his hand up to cup her cheek, "There will always be times when a decision could have been made earlier, but none of us are perfect Rochelle, we will always make mistakes and misjudge some situations."

"But as a Captain... Perfection isn't a choice." She replied, the touch of his hand against her cheek forcing her to meet his eyes. Of course Starfleet didn't demand the impossible, but they requested that the limits of possibility be pushed each and every day. Rochelle knew in her heart that she'd screwed up and slowly allowed herself to be jockeyed into a position of weakness. Come morning she'd look like just another weak woman, consumed by thoughts of romance, played like a fiddle by a man. "I wouldn't doubt it if I'm pulled from the Vindicator's command chair the first chance Malone gets."

"Malone doesn't have a leg to stand on, he's had his fair share of moments that could have ended his career." the Cardassian replied as his eyes met Rochelle's, seeing the pain coursing through the small redhead in his arms, "You're a good person Rochelle, you're a fighter and you're a survivor."

"I'm an idiot." She huffed, her eyebrows furrowing together in a heavy measure of hurt. "Malone doesn't answer to anyone, that's the difference. I answer to him." Rochelle's head shook as the clammy hooks of shame continued to delve under her skin. Shame at her own stupidity, shame at her own weakness, shame at being found standing there in her Goddamned underwear and tattered uniform... Shame for what was to come and greet her in the morning.

"Malone answers to the Federation Council, or used to," Almar replied before taking a moment to think, "But also to certain branches of Starfleet, he may be the Commander in Chief, but even he answers for his mistakes."

"That's beside the point right now, Almar. He's not the one about to be the disgrace of Starfleet." Her hands came up to cover her face, hiding herself from the light and trying to conceal her misery. "I didn't do anything, but that doesn't matter. It's all perception and illusion and conjecture."

"You know you won't be facing this alone Rochelle, I'll always be here for you and I believe there are quite a number of the crew who think the same. We know that you are not to blame for any of this." the Cardassian replied as he lowered his hand and pulled her back into his chest.

Rochelle's head shook as he tugged her close, held her tight, tried to soothe the worry and the pain from her tired body. "I should just offer my resignation now." She choked, her jaw flexing as she once again fought the unbidden tears that threatened to consume her.

"You will do no such thing Rochelle," Almar replied as he planted a soft kiss against her temple and followed up by resting his forehead against the same spot, "You once told me that the only thing you had was your duty, you cannot let anyone take that away from you."

Letting her hands leave her face, she soon found them resting on the Cardassian's strong shoulders. They slid along the fabric covering them, feeling the scales and ridges as she carefully came to drape her arms around his neck. "I once thought that's all I had." She whispered sadly in response, trying her damnedest to allow herself to accept the comfort he demanded she take from him, "I'm steadily learning that I have so much more with each and every thing I lose."

"You have much more to fight for but at times it can feel like too much to bare," the Cardassian offered softly, conceding to her a small point, "You are a fighter though, the day we let you give up is the day the Vindicator falls. As long as you have this ship, you have the strength to continue."

"Maybe." She sighed, tucking her nose against the hollow of his throat, "But there comes a time when someone just can't keep on fighting, isn't there?" Rochelle asked, her eyelids veiling the cold blue of her eyes as she curled her fingers into the fabric of the shirt covering his upper back. She was safe there, no one would come from the shadows to harm her, no boogie man or Atlantean psychopaths... No cannibalistic Noturans or terrorists on promenades. Slowly her brain was putting back the connections that the emotional trauma had severed when it threw her into fight or flight mode. She'd chose to fight. The recovery back to calm and collected would take a bit longer, but it was coming and it was carefully being curried by the tender quiet Almar represented.

"Perhaps, but it is not this day," Almar responded as his arms cocooned around her, blocking out the majority of the outside world, "We'll work through this together, you do not have to do this alone."

Warmth. For the first time in hours her nerves finally responded and recognized something other than the numbness that adrenaline had left her with. It seemed so foreign, but she welcomed it as his arms tightened around her once again. "I hope you're right." Rochelle hummed, "I really hope you're right."

Tracing her name and the name of the ship on her back with one hand, Almar found himself scanning her face with worry and concern, she'd been through so much in such a short time and he could feel it in his very being, in the same way he could feel when the Vindicator was hurting, he could feel Rochelle's pain, bubbling away under the surface, the slight tingling on the edge of his senses that told him it just was not right, "We'll make sure you're ready for the investigation, if you need me near, I will be."

"I always need you near." The tiniest of voices replied, one that certainly didn't boast that it belonged to a vibrant Captain. It spoke of hurt and it spoke of fear and it spoke of exhaustion all rolled into one soft little mewling of words. This was one thing that she couldn't do alone. She wouldn't. Being quiet and keeping to herself had been dashed the moment Mikkal had stolen her privacy from her and thrown her into the public light with his actions. It would have been simpler if she had killed him, but shock and hurt had found her standing over his downed and bleeding body wary and on edge, not blood thirsty and seeking revenge. Almar, as always, allowed for her to comfortably let that ice cold exterior melt away and simply let her be her... Weakness, tears, hurt, joy... She'd shared them all with him and in return he guarded her with his life. Pitfalls aside, Rochelle knew she was a lucky person to have people like him in her life. People that kept her honest and drove her forward when all she wanted to do was give in to the unyielding pressure of life.

"Perhaps we should get you cleaned up, I assume the medical team took everything that will be needed for the investigation?" Almar commented as he rested his forehead against her temple again, "A shower will at least clear away the blood."

Rochelle nodded slowly, "They got what they needed, pictures, swabs from under my nails... I don't know how women do this, you know, the ones that aren't as lucky." She replied. He was right, a shower would wash away the remaining physical evidence of the trauma that evening had wrought. It would erase the dried blood, both hers and Mikkal's, and begin the cycle of some sort of normalcy. "Okay..." She nodded again, willing herself to unfurl from the cocoon he'd created for her in order to begin that process. Shower, clean, bed, Hell in the morning.

"Justice," the Cardassian replied simply, "They'll see justice levied against the ones who have wronged them," he added as he lifted her from his lap and placed her down gently, allowing the small redhead to find her feet again.

"Fair enough." Back on her feet she stretched as if to cover up the discomfort being out in the open brought with it. The shower would be the starting point for her justice, JAG would render theirs and the whole universe would continue to spin -- at least that's how someone wearing rose colored glasses would see it. Rochelle openly dreaded the coming days and weeks of digging and questioning that would transpire. The first few steps away from the couch reminded her that she had just been in a fight, they brought bone deep aches and pains, but at least it meant she'd survived. "Thank you," she called, looking over her shoulder at him as she began to disappear into her bedroom, "for being there."

"You don't need to thank me," Almar replied as he began taking off his shirt, dried blood having left marks where Rochelle had been placed in his la. Only when she faded from view did he dare make a move towards the replicator, "I shall be here when you are finished." he added, calling out after her as he placed the soiled shirt into the replicator with a whir.

---

Captain Rochelle Ivanova
Commanding Officer
USS VINDICATOR, NCC 78213-E

&

Commander Almar Dahe'el
Chief Enginering Officer
USS VINDICATOR, NCC 78213-E

 

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