Joint Log | Captain Ivanova, Lt Cmdr Neyes - "I'm Only Human" - II/II

Posted on Thu Oct 2nd, 2014 @ 10:58pm by Admiral Rochelle Ivanova & Commander Tristan Neyes PhD.

1,898 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Are You Touched?

"Maybe you could have done something," he quickly added, a genuine look of seriousness in his eyes as he caught hers. "I'm less concerned with whether you could have done anything to stop or prevent the attack. My question was what would you have done, and you answered that.

"You'd have moved to protect your friends, either by shielding them or tackling the bomber, whatever. Is this an assumption you would defend without a doubt?" He looked at her, silently expressing his need for complete honestly in her answer. Tristan wanted to help her, and he needed to know she was going to answer to the best of her knowledge with the most truth she could bring to their discussion. It didn't really matter what happened, it mattered how Rochelle saw it. Clearly the woman reflected on the event, and tried to assuage her irrational feelings of guilt by applying the most common method. 'It wasn't your fault', played into so many things, and for Rochelle it was probably something she'd heard her entire life. Tristan had even said it to her himself in their short time together so far, when talking about Landon's death.

"Yes. Without a doubt." She replied with a nod. Given a second a chance, a press of the reset button, Rochelle knew in her heart she'd have done whatever it took to protect her friends... Her family. The average human reaction time is two hundred fifteen milliseconds, a tiny fraction of a second. It had been long enough to keep her from doing something and time had felt slower, cooled molasses slow, but she knew that it was only perceived, a trick of the mind. It wasn't real. Rochelle knew she couldn't have done anything, not a God damned thing, but the cold hard facts didn't stop her from agonizing over the 'shoulda, coulda, woulda's.

"I won't say that all things being equal, there was nothing you could do. Or maybe you did help others through training, or example in that moment. Who knows for certain? It's not important. I will say that we often overlook the character of ourselves when faced with disaster, when all is said and done. Don't forget what you would have done had you been given the chance. If you were able, you'd have done anything you needed to to protect the victims of that attack. Focus on that, and remember how many times that has served you to help others. We don't all succeed all the time, so it's important to remember the times we do.

"Does anyone else blame you for not taking more action?" He asked.

An eyebrow lifted as she listened to Tristan speak. It wasn't a skeptical lift or the usual quirk that came as a prelude to her irritation. It was a lift that came with intense thought and understanding. In the days after the attack, when the dust had settled and the wounded taken care of, the dead accounted for, Rochelle had taken up the reins of the Griffin just as she had with the Vindicator -- the only thing different was that Andrea had been very much alive and healing down in sickbay. Griffin had survived and eventually apprehended one of the collaborators of the attacks. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Ever. "No." Was the honest answer. "We later found out it was an attack planned against the Griffin that went awry. SFI indicated that I was a primary target so while no one else has ever blamed me for anything, I can't help but feel responsible for it the same way I still feel responsible for Landon."

Neyes nodded, "Keeping in mind what we've talked about so far, and given that no one else finds you at fault. Why do you feel you're to blame for these events?"

"Different reasons." Rochelle shrugged, "for the Griffin it was because I was a target and couldn't protect them. For Landon it was because if I'd just not gone to him that night. Hell, if I'd just said screw it and stayed with him..." Her eyes dropped to her mug, "He'd still be alive." Whydah was a physical torment filled with colors and lights and the panic of a terror attack spread out over a massive station. Landon's death had been far more personal, the players confined to two. The words the Neyes symbiont had spoken through Landon still, and would always, haunt her until the day death rode his pale horse forth to collect her.

'Why did you come?' she'd asked the symbiont as he'd carried her through the snow and away from the screaming hoard. 'Knowledge, it runs like a river for Neyes, for a single lifeform, First. It was a mistake to call me, however. I do not believe he needs to fear what he can for you. Motivation. Will die for you... For any of you Vindicators he would fight. He will die for only you though. Different. A choice he would make for all of us.' Had been his cryptic, heartbreaking response. The memory and the knowledge that he would have, and did, die for her sent a shiver up her spine... But she'd lived. For him, she lived and breathed and sat there in front of Tristan now even when life had begged to be snuffed out by the pain that had only started to numb.

Tristan set down his mug, "That's the problem with living through some things. You get to remember. Thankfully, I can say with absolute certainty that it only makes life harder as long as you let it. You're a capable intellect, Rochelle. At least Landon thought so.

"And I want to bring that up. We haven't talked about us, really. I know it's stupid for a Counselor to bring up themselves in talks like this, but let's face it. I can't keep up a standard workflow with you. I've experienced with you, at least that's what my perspective tells me. I want to ask you how you feel about that though." Tristan's usually carefully constructed demeanor seemed to pull at the edges, 'letting his hair down' as she'd called it. For a moment he felt like she was there to talk to him, and he could be comfortable with their awkward professional relationship. He hoped, at least.

"Sometimes..." She smirked, "Sometimes I honestly just sit back and wonder about that. What it's going to take to make this whole thing just up and smooth over."

Her eyes left the floor to look up at Tristan’s through the dim lights. Her head tilted ever so slightly to the right as she shook it, the soft satin of her hair falling over her shoulder as she did. “I don't know if Neyes remembers this, but after we were back aboard the Vindicator and en route to Qu’Vat, I used to sit with him in sickbay. And I understood,” she paused, searching for the correct words, “I finally understood why people hold hands.” Her words were punctuated by sniffles, her head shaking slowly as her lower lip quivered with the strain of her emotions, “I’d always thought that it was about possessiveness, saying ‘This is mine’. But it’s about maintaining contact, It’s about speaking without words. It’s about ‘I want you with me.’ and ‘Don’t go.’.” She swallowed hard, her head coming to rest as she continued watching the counselor’s eyes. “I held him for everything I was worth and I still lost him in the end... I think knowing that is what made it so much harder for me to accept you initially and you're right." Rochelle shrugged, her eyes searching his, "It's probably improper for you and I to work like this, but it's wrong for Commander Grant and I to work in this capacity as well. So... We're at an impasse."

Tristan inched closer to her, his own pain rising to the surface at seeing hers. In many ways he felt responsible for it, just as she felt responsible for Landon and the others. They both held themselves to an impossible standard, being accountable for so much, but in control of so little. He wanted to reach out to her, and to comfort her with... anything.

"I may not be able to solve everything as a counselor, Captain. I promise you though, I will never fail you as a friend." Neyes locked eyes with hers, his own loss showing in his glistening eyes. The words had come at a price, and he knew he'd have to give in to the reality that Rochelle and he would never have a truly professional relationship. In their current state she was right, and they would never accomplish anything as a healer and patient should. Grant would have to take the reigns. Hopefully her past with him was less beaten and fresh than with Landon.

She watched near her, her brow furrowing gently in concern as she watched the obvious welling of emotion rise within those eyes. They weren't the same winter sea storm of hers, cold and inhospitable with their bitter beauty -- Like Landon, Tristan had blue eyes that somehow held such warmth and expression. Eyes, now, that mirrored her own broken heart.

But they were healing. Growing. As people they had been thrust into a situation that had been so very unfair. She'd reacted violently at first, had been so opposed to even the sound of his name. Now? Now she'd learned how truly different he was to his brother. Rochelle brought her hand to his cheek, a small smile gracing her lips as she brushed his skin with her fingertips. "I don't doubt that, Tristan." She nodded, once again bringing her hand back to cradling her mug. "You've already helped me more than you know." He'd taught her to have faith, to test the waters rather than immediately discount people. Allowing him into her inner-circle had been a blessing... Something she'd come to embrace and favor. Friendship had always come hard to her, but those who made it past the turbulent breaker waves were valuable and rare. Tristan was no exception and she wouldn't jeopardize him.

"Would it be advisable to have you both in sessions?" She asked, bringing her mug to her lips.

"He actually already asked for that himself." Tristan admitted freely, sinking back into his chair, feeling the sudden relief of their shared expression. There was always something to be said for knowing what someone else was thinking. Surprisingly, it wasn't enough to be able to 'predict' someone's emotional state or their thoughts. Hearing it in their own words was always better. Always.

"I'm inclined to agree it would be the best option." He added. "What do you think?"

With a nod, the woman agreed with what the Trill had to say, "The old saying is that two heads are better than one." Rochelle offered with a crooked little smile. They sat awhile longer, enjoying the budding friendship and comfort they'd allowed one another. It was a relaxed fit, easy and lacking the overtures so many seemed to had. And now? Now they had Logan to balance the rest.

---

Captain Rochelle Ivanova
Commanding Officer
USS VINDICATOR, NCC-78213-E

&

Lt. Commander Tristan Neyes, PhD.
Chief Counseling Officer
USS VINDICATOR

 

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